


Darkness will fade away

by Bittodeath



Series: Crack ships and rare ships [13]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Age Difference, Canon Compliant, Implied Relationships, M/M, NSFW, marcojean - Freeform, mikenana - Freeform, past Erwin/Marie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-17
Updated: 2017-08-26
Packaged: 2018-05-02 04:11:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 8
Words: 8,213
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5233607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bittodeath/pseuds/Bittodeath
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After chosing the Survey Corps, Jean is pained by the loss of his lover, Marco. Erwin stumbles upon him in the kitchen and comforts him in his own way. But it seems that there was more to it than what it seemed...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Longing for you

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so, EruJean fic that I may continue...at some point xD

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edited the first chapter to make it easier to read !

Erwin got out of his office, stroking his sore neck, for he has been looking at papers for far too long. It was already late at night, everyone was sleeping – or at least, pretending to be asleep. He liked it, when the Headquarters were all quiet, without anyone to shout, to run and to rattle. He headed down to the kitchen, thinking about having a glass of water before going to bed. It had been a long day.

He immediately spotted the boots that went past a cupboard. Slowly, silently, he came closer and then looked down. One of his new soldiers was here, sitting on the cold ground, his crossed arms clinging to his own body. He looked like he was in a daze, tears flowing from his eyes and onto his cheeks. Erwin knew him, for he was a new recruit. He quickly analysed his golden eyes, his hair partly shaved, his trembling hands holding onto a white piece of something.

“Jean”, said the major softly.  
“M-Major Erwin… I’m sorry”, said the boy as he stood up and executed a perfect salute. The hand behind his back was still gripping tightly the white thing.  
“Don’t”, said the Major. “What’s wrong, Jean? Why are you not sleeping in your quarters?”  
“I’m… I’m sorry, Major, I…”  
“Crying over a dead comrade?” guessed Erwin.

Jean didn’t answer, his eyes filling up with tears once again. His lips trembled.

“More than a comrade? A friend? Or perhaps… a lover?”  
“I’m sorry!”, Jean cried out as he burst into tears.

For a second, Erwin stood there in wonder, not knowing what to do. Jean might be a soldier, he was still a teenager who was barely fifteen. Has always, he took a decision and grabbed him, pulling him into a hug that was quite clumsy. Erwin did not know how to hug someone. He barely had anyone into his arms, and when he had, it was merely for sex. He couldn’t remember the last time he had held someone he wasn’t going to fuck. For a second, Jean stiffened himself, then he suddenly let it all go. His hands clamped on Erwin’s jacket, his face buried in his shirt.

“I’m sorry… it’s just… He would have been so happy, here… I promised him to never let go, but I didn’t… He was alone… He was… How can I…”

 

“He”?, thought Erwin as he held Jean even tighter. But he didn’t say a thing and kindly stroked his back. Jean was calming, his sobbing finally stopped, and he pulled away from Erwin, his cheeks flushed red. Erwin didn’t let him go and grabbed his chin, gripping his face tightly and forcing him to look at him in the eye.

“You’re frustrated”, he said blankly.  
“W-What? N-No I’m not…” Jean stuttered.  
“Don’t lie”, roared Erwin, grabbing his crotch. Jean emitted a strange sound, and Erwin added: “Do you want me to fuck you?”

His voice was hoarse, and Jean shuddered. Erwin wasn’t surprised. When facing death and grief, humans did have a strange desire to get laid. He had seen it more than necessary, and had experienced it more than he should have. This urge to feel alive as everything collapsed around him. Jean was staring at him with lustful and teary eyes. He tightened his grip on his cock and the young soldier moaned.

“Just answer me.”  
“Y-Yes… Please… I need it…”  
“Alright.”

He slowly started to rub him through his pants, then lifted him up and put him on the table behind him, forcing his legs apart and pushing the tent in his pants against him. Jean shuddered and tried to push him away in a reflex, but Erwin grabbed his wrists and kissed him deeply. Jean swiftly put the white thing in one of his pockets, flushed and panting. A part of him reminded Erwin that it was wrong of him to take advantage of a teenager, may it be a soldier. But they already knew death and horror, and Jean didn’t seem innocent about the things that could happen when living in their conditions.

He entangled his fingers in Jean’s hair and kissed the line of his jaw, his other hand working on the straps of the 3D gear with skill. He knew those buckles by heart, untying them was easy. He slid a hand on Jean’s pants, stroking him gently through his clothes, his middle finger going down and stopping just on his hole. Jean stiffened and started to close up his legs. Erwin pushed gently, making him moan once more, and leaned toward his ear.

“Have you ever done this?” he asked in a hushed voice as Jean grabbed him with force.  
“Just… once”, Jean panted, “it hurt and with the training…”  
“Of course”, nodded Erwin, nibbling his ear.

_He’s still so young_ , he thought as he kissed him. _But just this time_ … He opened Jean’s pants, took out his throbbing cock and rubbed the head with his thumb. Jean arched his back and Erwin could almost feel his muscles tensing has he tried not to come.

“M-Major, I can’t…”  
“It’s okay, come. Come as much as you want.”

Jean’s breath stopped for a second as he released, staining both of their uniforms. Erwin couldn’t care less: Jean’s face was flushed pure red, his eyes glowing in pleasure, his general expression so arousing he almost lost it. The Major groaned and buried his face in Jean’s neck, grazing his skin with his teeth, his hand stroking him slowly. Jean was young, he recovered rapidly, his breath loud and heavy as Erwin’s hand enveloped him.

Erwin grabbed his pants and slid them down, until the boots stopped him. He couldn’t help but gasp as he pushed Jean down on the table, exposing his bare butt, his hand sliding along, pocking his sack, caressing his cheeks and brushing the rim of his hole. He looked up: Jean seemed alright. He had grabbed his shaft and was stroking it vigorously, panting heavily. Erwin grabbed the oil bottle and poured it on his fingers and directly onto Jean’s hole, making him shudder.

Almost tenderly, he pushed his finger in, Jean’s back arching against the wood of the table. Slowly, he pushed in deeper, as Jean soften around his hand, obviously aroused.

“Are you alright?” he asked in his breath.  
“G-Good… Feels good…” muttered Jean.

Erwin gently thrusted his finger, searching for his soft spot. A moan told him he had found it. He added a finger more, sliding it easily with the oil. Jean had closed his eyes, his hips pushing gently against his hand. Erwin added a third finger that made him cry out. Erwin quickly muffled the sound with a kiss, his fingers rubbing gently in him.

“M-Major, please”, whispered Jean.  
“Not yet. You’re not ready yet.”  
“But…”

Erwin took one of his hands, unbuckled his own pants and pressed Jean’s trembling palm against his fully erect shaft. Jean gasped and suddenly tightened his muscles around his fingers.

“Do you think you could take it right now?” asked Erwin in a hoarse voice.  
“S-So big… I can’t…”  
“You can, but not now. Wait a bit more”, he said with a kiss, slowly stretching him.

Finally, Erwin took back his hand, leaving Jean leaking and panting. He brushed his chest, kissed his stomach and steadied his hips with a hand, the other taking out his own cock, leading it to Jean’s trembling hole. Slowly, he pushed in, silencing Jean’s cry with a kiss. He was clamping around him, tightening his muscles, his hands grabbing his shoulders, almost painfully.

“A-Ah, Major, it feels… so hot…”  
“You’re so tight around me”, groaned Erwin, giving him time before pushing in deeper. His whole length disappeared into Jean’s slender and muscular body, and he breathed out slowly. “It’s all in. Breathe deeply and slowly, okay? I’ll start to move.”

He did as he said, his hand steadying him as he gently pulled out. A growl escaped Jean’s throat, and he quickly covered his mouth with his hand.

“Lower, or someone will come.”

Only the head was still in Jean, who looked at him with such an erotic expression that he couldn’t help but thrust in violently. Jean gasped as he groaned, and he took a slow but intense rhythm, attentive not to hurt him. Gradually, he increased his thrusts, bumping each time against Jean’s sensitive spot.

“Major… I can’t… Take it anymore…” said Jean, his voice strangled by his pants.  
“Okay, I’m close too.”

Jean suddenly arched his back, his head hitting the table with a loud bump, and came with a long moan. Erwin swiftly pulled out and released all over his stomach. They stood like this for a moment, regaining their composure. Erwin grabbed a roll of paper and cleaned up Jean’s body and his own. Then, he buckled up his pants and dressed up Jean, who looked like he couldn’t move anymore.

“Are you in pain?”  
“A bit, yeah, but it felt… so good…” whispered Jean absentmindedly.

Erwin lifted him up.

“Come on”, he said as he left the kitchen.

Jean looked like he was about to drift into sleep. Erwin took him back with him and laid him on his own bed. Swiftly, he removed Jean’s clothes, then his own, and laid beside him, snuggling against him. Jean was already sound asleep, seemingly better than before. His features were not tense anymore, and he seemed so peaceful, so relaxed, Erwin couldn’t help but smile.

 

The Major woke up first on the following morning, as early as usual. He quickly got prepared and left the young soldier in his bed. Yet, something was bothering him. He got back and quietly searched Jean’s pockets: he finally found what he was searching. He looked closely at the white and hard thing he had in hand, and recognize a piece of bones. It didn’t take long to associate the bone and the dead lover.

His mind wandered to his own past. He had loved someone, once. But she was not to be his, and he had finally accepted his defeat and stepped out. Now that he had matured, he knew that loving someone would only cause him problems. After all, he had already offered his heart to Humanity, how could he pretend to give it once more to a human? _My heart, my soul, I gave it all_ …

 

Time passed by, and he only caught sight of Jean as he was with the other soldiers. He felt relieved as the young soldier started to smile again, and to fight again with Eren. As strange as it was, he couldn’t take him out of his mind. There was no peculiar reason. _I mean, I’ve fucked a lot of other people, so why would I recall him?_ Fortunately, it didn’t show in his work. Or at least, that was what he thought…


	2. Go on and never stop

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jean can't sleep anymore after the "incident" with Erwin. Luckily, his friend Eren is here to give advice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Right, short chapter, but it's easir this way.

Jean was lying on his bed, sleepless. He could hear Eren, breathing calmly in the bunk beneath his, but he couldn’t sleep. _Damn insomnia_. That was not the first time he had had a sleepless night. _Well, if I want to be honest, I’ve never slept as well as the week following… the incident_. He couldn’t bring himself to think of it otherwise than as “the incident”. It was really embarrassing, but luckily enough, he hadn’t had to face the Major since.

He rolled once more, and sighed. He thought about getting up, but wandering in the castle at night wasn’t necessarily a good idea. He thought about Marco. They hadn’t been together for that long – six months at most, but he felt his lost like an empty space in his heart. Marco was no longer here, and he had to go on. That was what he had done. But he was sure his heart would never accept someone else. _Still, the Major_ … He shook his head, trying to get out of his head the dirty memories he had.

“Can’t sleep, Jean?”  
“Sorry, did I wake you up, Eren?” he asked softly.

They may have their disputes and fights, but he couldn’t deny the fact that they were close. Eren knew about him and Marco – well, it had been more because of Marco than because of Jean, but still.

“Actually, I can’t sleep either. Mind if I climb to your bed?”  
“No.”

It wasn’t unusual for Eren to join him in his bed when neither of them could sleep. He heard the wood of the bed creak under Eren’s weight, and he sat up. The moon was giving a dim light, but it sufficed to see each other. Eren was sitting in front of him, wrapped in his blanket. Curiously, Jean didn’t feel afraid at the idea that he was slipping in the same room as the Titan shifter. It was not official, of course. Eren was supposed to be kept under guard in a cell, but when Hanji had understood he needed a goal to shift, the higher-ups – Erwin and Levi, to be precise – had accepted to let him sleep in a normal bedroom, under the condition that he didn’t get noticed.

“I’m thinking about the expedition. It’s getting closer and, well… I’ve waited for it long enough.”

Jean nodded. Of course, he felt nervous about the expedition as well, but at that moment it was more the fact that he did have sex with Erwin that prevented him to sleep.

“Eren, can I tell you something?” he asked under his breath.  
“Well, yeah…”  
“I had sex with the Major.”  
“You WHAT?” answered Eren, thunderstruck. “With… Major Smith?”  
“Yeah… It’s been almost fifteen days now. I don’t know, I… I was depressed because of Marco’s death and… It ended up this way.”  
“Why… Say it now?”  
“Because I can’t help but think about it, I haven’t slept this well since!”  
“You want to do it again?”

An awkward silence followed his question. Jean’s eyes were empty and he repeated in a low voice:

“Do I want to do it again?”

He thought about his feelings, his pleasure, and the nights of sound sleep that had followed. He then realized how tense were his shoulders, and how the Major’s weight had comforted him.

“Jean, stop this right now!”  
“What?” he asked, snapping back to reality.  
“You’re getting a boner”, said Eren, awkwardly pointing to his crotch.  
“Oh shit!”

He quickly pulled up the covers to hide his lower half, blushing all the way up to his ears. Eren was looking away, slightly red on the cheeks.

“So you want to do it again with him”, he asserted.  
“I… think so, yes. But it will never happen again. I mean, why would he?”  
“Don’t ask me, I have no idea! I’m not particularly fond of guys so I don’t know what he found attractive in your horse face.”  
“I don’t even know why I’m talking with you”, answered Jean as he hit him with a cushion, trying to lighten the awkward mood.  
“But seriously, Jean, you should talk it out with _him_. He helped you once, so he may give you a piece of advice.”  
“You’re right. I’ll speak with him.”  
“Good. I’ll go back to bed now, I’m starting to feel tired.”  
“Go on. And… thank you, Eren. For listening to me.”  
“Well, your sexual life is kinda wild so… it’s always funny to listen to you.”  
“Get out!” said Jean menacingly, holding up the cushion once more.

Eren winked and got back to bed, as Jean laid down once more. Now that he had a precise objective, he was feeling more confident. Even if the Major were to reject him, it was better than dwelling on it by himself. He closed his eyes, and swiftly drifted into sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erwin can't concentrate because of his memories of Jean, and Mike scolds him.

Erwin was sitting in his office, pencil in hand, a stack of papers waiting in front of him, lost in his thoughts. He hadn’t even noticed that his mind had started to drift from the documents about his new soldiers to the heated night he had spent with Jean. He hadn’t noticed that he was staring blankly at the door, biting the end of his pencil, nor that he was getting a hard-on. After all, it was not in his habits to get distracted.  
He almost had a heart attack when someone knocked at the door. Quickly, he regained his composure and put on a straight, earnest face. He was not to be a man in these moments, no. He had to deny his own humanity to make the best choices. _How can you fight a monster without becoming one?_

“Come in.”  
The door opened on Mike. The tall man shut the door behind him, and stared at the Major.  
“Should I come back later?”  
“No, please have a seat. I was just getting started”, Erwin added, pointing out to the documents.  
“Good.”  
Mike collapsed onto a seat and crossed his arms. Erwin stared at him, searching what could bring him here at this hour.  
“Is there a problem?”  
“Yes”, Mike answered curtly.  
There was a silence, and:  
“Then tell me about it, Mike.”  
“That precisely the problem. You haven’t noticed it.”  
“What?” said Erwin, frowning.  
“You are not yourself, Erwin. It’s been two weeks that you’ve started to act strangely. You space out, you stare at the young recruits, you seem preoccupied, and you’re not entirely to what you are doing. So I want to know what’s been bothering you, so we might solve the problem.”  
“There’s no problem”, answered Erwin with a frown. “You should mind your own business.”  
“That’s a first! You know what I see? Or to be exact, what I can smell?”  
Erwin put back his pencil on the documents, leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms.  
“You seem eager to tell me, so go on.”  
“You reek of desire. Desire and despair, exactly how you smelt back then, when you had abandoned all hope with Marie.”  
Erwin lost all colour and leaned forward, staring at him menacingly.  
“Don’t you dare say that again.”  
“Why? That’s the truth. I wouldn’t care if it didn’t affect your work. But it is. Can’t you at least listen to me? I don’t know who provoked this reaction and I’m not sure if I want to know, but you have to do something.”

Erwin leaned back in his seat, almost pouting. Mike would have laughed if the situation had not been this serious. A frown had appeared on the Major’s brow, deep in thoughts.  
“Is it affecting my work this much?” he asked in a low voice, obviously startled by the thought.  
“Not yet, but I got ahead of trouble to tell it to you. If you go on like this, it will have severe effects and you know we don’t need this.”  
“Yeah, I know.” He sighed heavily, head in hands. “What should I do?” he muttered.  
“I don’t know. Ask them out? But… I assume it is a soldier in the Corps, in which case it would be a bad idea. Really. However, if you decide to have an adventure with her, I’ll cover your back, as you did back then when I got with Nanaba.” Mike was rocking his chair on two legs, with the perfect equilibrium he had acquired with the 3D gear.  
“Her?” asked Erwin.  
Mike let his chair fall back and stared at him.  
“Oh my. Tell me you didn’t…”  
“I did,” replied the Major sharply. “Now, what am I supposed to do?”  
Mike pressed his fingers on the sides of his nose and closed his eyes. Erwin had sworn to him not to indulge anymore in this troublesome pleasure, and yet here they were.  
“You were not supposed to go after youngsters, you know that? Even more _male_ youngsters. You know the nobles will use this against you if they find out. Shit, you had _promised_!”  
“I know!” roared Erwin as he stood up, slamming his hands on his desk. “I know”, he repeated. He started to pace his office, like a lion in a cage. Mike stared at him. Never in years he had seen him lost his composure this much. The last time might have been when he was pondering his options concerning Marie. She had been the only woman about his age to arouse his interest, and the only one he had loved.

 

After this, Erwin had indulged himself with fellow soldiers who were now six feet under, before Mike gave him a warning: he had stopped and only went after prostitutes to release his frustration. Mike thought he would not relapse, but obviously he was wrong. He stood up and put his hands on his shoulders.  
“Hey, calm down”, he said to soothe him, “we’ll talk about it and see what can be done.”  
Erwin sat back and looked at him. Sweat was forming in his hair.  
“His name’s Jean. I… It happened fifteen days ago. I didn’t intend to… You know…”  
“Yeah, I know, and that’s the problem. Fuck, Erwin, you know that if your soldiers want to fuck each other senseless you have to let them do, but you can’t do that.”  
“I know, Mike, no need to remind me.”  
“Obviously you need it since your relapsed”, barked Mike. “You didn’t do it again since, right?”  
“I haven’t even talked to him.”  
“Then, you should-”  
Mike stopped mid-sentence, startled by a knock at the door. They looked at each other, Erwin cleared his throat and answered:  
“Yes? Please, come in.”  
The door creaked open and a young soldier entered shyly. Mike looked at Erwin who had lost all colour, then at the young recruit who saluted awkwardly.  
“I’m sorry to disturb you, I will come back later…”  
“No, you can stay, Jean”, answered Erwin, who seemed to have regain his composure. “Mike was leaving, weren’t you?”  
“I was”, groaned Mike as he stood up. “Fix this mess, Erwin. _Now_.”  
His gaze wandered to the soldier – Jean, it was – who looked nowhere near at ease. _Oh well, I hope it will not be worse, but I’m not so sure about it_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seems like Erwin likes young people... Gotta do something with it.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erwin and Jean are facing each other again. And though both of them know what they are supposed to do, it isn't as easy as it seems...

Mike left the room, glaring at Erwin, and left him alone with the young soldier. Erwin stared at Jean for a moment, his golden eyes and slender body, and gestured to him toward a seat.  
“Please, sit down.”  
“Thank you, Sir”, answered Jean.  
He sat quickly, crossed his legs, uncrossed them, leaned forward, then leaned against the back of the chair, fidgeting as small drops of sweat formed on his forehead. Erwin observed him a moment and said:  
“Stop fidgeting.”  
Jean froze, spook-like. Erwin sighed, stroke his nape and looked at him.

“I’d offer you something to drink to give you strength, but I think the reason why you’re here now needs you to have all your mind for yourself. Am I wrong?”  
“No Major, you are right”, Jean answered firmly.  
“Then I also assume that you’re here for… what happened between us”, said Erwin, as he couldn’t bring himself to voice out loud the simple fact.  
“Indeed, Sir”, Jean nodded.  
“You have regrets, am I wrong?”  
Jean looked at him dead in the eye, muttered something he couldn’t hear and then answered:  
“Not yet.”  
The teen leaned forward and clasped his hands, biting his lips.  
“I slept really well after that, and… it was… good”, he said, blushing all the way up to his ears. “I… want to know your feelings on the matter. If it was only a one night stand, then so be it. I won’t bother you anymore. But I need to know.”

Erwin stared at him. He knew what he had to say. _It was indeed a one night stand, and I’d appreciate if it does not alter our relationship as Major and soldier._ A simple sentence. He just had to say it, and it would be all over. Mike would be satisfied and his position, safe. _I just have to say this, simple, really_ …  
“And what if it wasn’t?”  
He cursed himself as soon as the words left his mouth. Why was he dangerously closing in to this slippery path? Jean looked at him, opened his mouth, closed it, frowned and said nothing. Erwin realized he was holding his breath and forced himself to breathe out slowly. He needed to remain calm and focused.  
“Then, I’d like to know what it was.”  
“What do you want it to be?”

_Shit, why did I say that? Where am I going? And why is he following me so eagerly?_ Erwin felt his heart pound as Jean struggled to find his words. He was fidgeting again, obviously embarrassed, and all the more cute. _God, I could never grow tired of it,_ the Major thought as the young soldier blushed. He got up, skirted his desk and stopped behind Jean. Slowly, he dropped his hands on his shoulders, all tensed up.  
Suddenly, Jean jumped on his feet, grabbed Erwin’s bolo tie and kissed him. At first, the Major was surprised, but he kissed him back greedily, unwilling to let him go. As if he felt that, somehow, Jean was to be part of his life. He grabbed his waist and pulled him to him.

“I want to be with you.”  
“And I want it too”, Erwin answered, kissing his chin and nose, amazed that he had him all for him. “But are you sure? It won’t be easy. We can’t be together openly, aside from the ones really close to us. I’ll have to be impartial. One of us might _die_.”  
He felt Jean shudder at the thought, but the boy looked up and stared at him, hand on Erwin’s broad chest.  
“I know. And I know it’s worth the shot. Act with me like you have to. Be my Major.” He stroke Erwin’s perfectly shaved cheek. “I just want to be there for you, and you to be there for me. I don’t know how to explain it, but it feels _right_.”  
“Then, come what may.”

He grabbed Jean’s thigh and lifted him up, kissing him roughly, inebriated by his sole presence. There was a sharp knock and the door opened. They both turned their heads to the entrance and stared at Mike, who entered and closed behind him. He looked disappointed, and tired. Erwin put Jean down and straightened his jacket and collar, as Jean blushed and awkwardly distanced himself from the Major.  
“Both of you, are you really sure?” said Mike.  
“I am”, answered Jean in a clear voice.  
Erwin looked at him, smiled weakly and looked back at Mike.  
“I am as well”, he stated.  
Mike looked at both of them, then sighed.  
“Then, for fuck’s sake, do it your room, Erwin, or at least lock the door.”  
“Yeah. Yeah, I’ll do that.”  
Erwin stared at Mike as tension filled the air.  
“Mike?”  
“Yeah?”  
“I’ll lock the door now.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so now both of them are together. It was supposed to end on this. But I want to continue this journey, so... chapters may come. Hope you like it !


	5. Side by side

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi walked in on Erwin and Jean making out, and he lashes out at Erwin, while Jean seek refuge in his room... but Eren is here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow guys, I'm calling this back from the dead ! I have some other chapters planned, so it shouldn't be too long ! To help you with the chronology, the Expedition Levi talks about is the one where Annie's Titan appear (so yeah, angst is coming and all...).

“Erwin, I’m sorry bu-”

The door slammed against the wall, and Levi stopped suddenly, eyes wide open.

“Erwin Smith, what the _fuck_ are you doing?”

The short man stared at Erwin who was sitting on his bed, a naked Jean sitting in his lap, dishevelled.

“Making out, obviously. Can’t you…?”  
“NO. This time, you’ve gone too far! What is wrong with you?”

Jean sighed and stood up, grabbing his pants.

“Jean…”  
“The mood is ruin, dear” Jean answered in a soothing voice, pointing to his cock gone limp. “You know I don’t like being walked in on having sex.”

He put on his clothes and kissed Erwin’s lips.

“We can take where we left off later.”  
“I’ll consider this as a promise, then, babe”, Erwin answered with a smile.  
“What the-? Get out! Get out!” Levi growled, pushing Jean toward the door.

Humanity’s Strongest walked to Erwin, stared at him and slapped him loudly.

“What was that for?” Erwin asked, rubbing his face already reddening.  
“Have you gone out of your fucking mind? Jean, of all people! Can’t you just go to prostitutes like the rest of us? No, no, _Major_ Erwin Smith has to fuck a _fifteen years old boy_ , but not only that, one of his own _soldiers_! Hell, you want the higher ups to shut you down that much?”

Erwin stared back at him, straightening his clothes and brushing back his hair. Then he got up, crushing Levi with his height. Still, the smaller man didn’t step back, glaring daggers. He was really upset, Erwin could tell just by looking at him.

“Is that all you have to say?” he asked simply.  
“ _Yes_. I wanted to make sure you wouldn’t work your ass off for the expedition tomorrow, but you seem to be quite alright”, Levi barked, “I’ve been worried for nothing.”  
“Why are you so angry at me? You didn’t even let me explain!”  
“Oh, because there’s something to explain? You’re not just some kind of pervert who goes only for young boys?”  
“I can’t deny my… _kink_ , if I can call it so, but there’s more to it. I wouldn’t have done it if he…”  
“If he wasn’t consentient? I hope so! The last thing we need is you being sued for rape!”  
“Can’t you just _shut up and let me talk?_ ” Erwin growled. “What I wanted to say is I wouldn’t do this if we weren’t in love.”  
“Oh, yeah, sure, you are-” Levi stopped dead in his tracks and looked at him. “Wait a minute. _You_ are in love?”  
“Obviously yes, and you just interrupted the already small amount of time I can have with my lover. Right now, I’m quite angry at you.”  
“Even so, you can’t-”  
“I don’t recall asking _you_ for permission. I know I’m taking risks, I know. I know it’s really hard on him. _I know_. I know he is way too young for me and you see me as all those perverted nobles who hunted in the Underground for fresh meat. I know I’m a filthy old man with blood on his hands going after a teen. No need to castigate me, I do it already, Mike did it, there’s no need for more.”

Levi sighed, gritting his teeth, brushing a hand against his forehead.

“Can you promise me you didn’t force him into this in any way?”  
“I didn’t. I offered him a way out and he _refused_. Pushing him away is…” Erwin shook his head, “I can’t do that. I’m not strong enough.”  
“Well after all you’re only a man, I can’t ask of you to repress everything. I just… It’s just…”

Erwin put a hand over his shoulder, squeezing it tightly, his cerulean blue eyes staring right at him.

“Yes, I know.” He sighed. “You surely are despising me now and I can’t blame you for that.”

Levi took a moment to think, then shook his head.

“No, I’m not. What you do is amazing and I wouldn’t truly believe in you if I couldn’t pass over your defaults. We all have ours. I can’t say it doesn’t bother me, though. But… I can overlook that, as long as he is consentient.” The brunet grabbed Erwin’s collar and pulled him to him. “But I can promise you, if you ever force him in any way, I will personally cut off your junk and shove your balls down your throat. I don’t care for your reasons, really, if he doesn’t _want_ it, you can say goodbye to your jewellery.”  
“I get the idea, yes. And I can promise you I won’t. That’s not… I’m an asshole, but not that kind.”  
“I believe you, and I trust you.”

\----

Jean slammed the door, fingers crooked in his hair as he bent, blushing red.

“Fuck!”

He started to kick angrily at the bunk bed, lashing out on the furniture.

“Whoa what are you doing?!” a voice cracked in the room.  
“Corporal just walked in on me and Erwin making out and I-”

Jean stopped, his mouth gaping, when he realized what he had just said. He straightened, red to his ears, and looked back at Eren who was chilling out on his bed, barely dressed. The Titan-shifter laughed and replied:

“Man, I envy your sex-life. It’s quite wild to say the least. Aah, I wish I had someone to do nasty stuff with”, Eren sighed, “but everyone seems to be rebuked by my… particularity.”

Jean took this opportunity to change subject and sat beside him, breathing deeply to calm down.

“Well you’ve got Mikasa, she’s beautiful and she loves you…”

Eren squinted.

“My _sister_ , Jean. There’s no way I’d do something like that with her.”

Jean shrugged.

“Then you’ve got Armin…”  
“I don’t swing that way, Jean”, Eren replied.  
“If you protest to everything I say, don’t complain! Hanji sure wouldn’t mind…”

Eren kicked him in the small of his back and Jean howled, then looked at him: Eren was red.

“Eren, don’t tell me you…”  
“Shut up, Horseface! There’s no way I’d do something like that!”  
“I don’t want to know about your weird fantasies”, Jean laughed.  
“Well I’d rather ignore when you leave in the middle of the night to go to the Major’s!”  
“At least I actually have sex while you are still a virgin…” Jean teased.  
“Shut up, shut up, shut up!” Eren said as he kicked him repeatedly.

They looked at each other and burst out laughing at the awkwardness of their discussions. There was a knock at the door, and the Corporal opened without waiting.

“Jean, I’d like to have a talk with you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys like it, we're not that many in the EruJean fandom, so I try to contribute ! Don't hesitate to leave kudos/comment, etc ! You can also find me on tumblr, I'd me more than happy to share headcanons/heartcanons with you !  
> bittodeath.tumblr.com
> 
> Also, I don't know what I'll do with Eren's crush on Hanji yet, what do you guys think ? Any suggestion?


	6. Help you out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi has a serious discussion with Jean, before letting him go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not much going on in this chapter because... well, because after this it is the expedition, and it is a big part, so well.

Jean went pale and stood up, following after Levi, who led him to a meeting room. On his sign, he sat down, fidgeting, his ears gone red as he looked down.

“First of all, Jean, I apologize for walking on you making out with Erwin.”

Jean’s eyes flashed up, widening: he had expected to be scolded, not to receive excuses. Not to receive excuses from _Levi_ of all people.

“It’s… hum… thank you.”

Levi sat down in front of him, his hands covering his mouth, and stared at him.

“Did he force you?”  
“Wha- No, no, the Major is not like that!” Jean replied as he shook his head. “He would never do something I don’t want.”  
“Then I assume you want to have sex with him”, Levi said, frowning.  
“Obviously, yes.”  
“You could have gone to a prostitute. That usually how it’s done, though I heard Erwin is… quite… _skilled_ , let’s say.”

Jean blushed and nodded. Yes, Erwin was more than skilled, he was a god in bed. Always taking care of his partner before his own desire. There was really no matter to complain about.

“I could have, but I don’t want to. It’s not just about sex.”  
“Are you in love with him?”  
“Yes. Yes, I am.”

This time, Jean didn’t blush. This was a truth he felt deep within himself and that he couldn’t deny. He knew they were an uncommon couple. He knew he was too young, and Erwin was too old. But they were in love. All those trivial details were nothing, when he considered their relationship.

Levi sighed, pinching his nose. He seemed tired, really tired.

“Listen to me, Jean. Listen carefully. If he ever forces you to do something you don’t want to do, or if he becomes abusive, whatever, if you’re not comfortable with his behaviour towards you anymore, come to me. Okay?”

Jean stared at him, flustered.

“Why would you…”  
“Not your business”, Levi cut him, “just come to me, you understand?”  
“Y-Yes…”  
“Good. Who knows about your relationship?”  
“Well… You, Squad Leader Mike and Eren.”

Levi nodded, seemingly satisfied. He leaned back in his chair, lost in his thoughts.

“Do you have someone, Corporal?”

Levi glared at him, but then his expression softened.

“No. And I have no interest in sex. That’s disgusting.”  
“You… You have no desire?” Jean said, surprised.

Levi frowned.

“I experience desire, of course. I’m human after all. But I don’t act on it. Sex is dirty and messy.”

Jean stared at him. He felt that the Corporal’s repulsion wasn’t just about the dirtiness, it was something deeper, and something he wasn’t sure he wanted to know about. Everyone has their secrets, and it was not his role to prey to Levi’s. He nodded.

“Alright, go back to your activities, cadet. Tomorrow will be a long journey. Oh and, one thing: you should not do it before an expedition. You should be at your top, or you risk to get yourself killed. Dying because your ass was in pain would be pretty stupid.”  
“Yes, I know, Corporal”, Jean answered while blushing as he stood up.

He saluted and, pondering his options, went back to Erwin’s bedroom. He was sitting on his bed, lost in his thoughts, but nonetheless rose his head when he heard the door open. Jean smiled and took off his jacket, sitting in his lap, arms round his neck.

“Penny for your thoughts?”

Erwin frowned.

“You shouldn’t use those expressions, that’s dangerous.”  
“I only use it with you”, Jean replied with a smile, bending to kiss Erwin’s nose. “Wasn’t it you who showed me a forbidden book?”  
“That’s precisely because it is a forbidden book that you should be careful”, Erwin said as he kissed Jean’s face gently. “Did Levi scold you?”

Jean pouted.

“You really want to talk about Levi now?”

Erwin laughed and grabbed his hips, bringing him closer and sliding his hands all over his back, on his skin, and cupping his ass through his trousers. Slowly, staring at him, he kneaded his flesh, making him shudder and moan – he knew exactly how Jean liked it, and this was one of his favourite things.

“No, I want to say that I love you”, he murmured in his ear.

He woke up in the early morning, Erwin staring at him lovingly. He smiled softly, kissed him and got up, taking a quick shower and putting on his clothes in a hurry to be on time for breakfast. Today was his first expedition outside the Walls, and he didn’t plan on dying _…so I’d rather not say goodbye_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Though it's short, I hope you liked it !


	7. The Female Titan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little ellipsis, this chapter is just after Jean's first expedition. Yeah, with the Female Titan, yeah, this one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is getting out of hand. It'll hurt.  
> Warning a bit of NSFW stuff but nothing too graphic.

Jean’s eyes were empty as they went back to the Walls. He had seen how Titans broke people. Ate them. And the only thing he could think about was Marco. He had died like this. Alone. Full of fear. His hands tightened on the reigns. He really thought he was going to die in this battle. He almost saw the gates of Heaven opened for him, Marco reaching out to grab his hand… but he wanted to live. As much as he had loved him, he didn’t want to let go of his life like this. Then, cerulean blue eyes had pierced his mind and he had gasped: there were things, and people, he was ready to fight for. He couldn’t die yet. He couldn’t do this to him.

He looked up, searching for the Commander: he was ahead of the Corps, riding with Levi, and bore once more the weight of so many lives. This Expedition had been horrible. The right Wing? Wiped out. They didn’t even captured the Female Titan. He himself had doubted Erwin, even criticized him, and Armin – _Armin_ – had to remind him that the Commander was just a man. A courageous, cunning, gentle man. And as Jean knew him – a month, that wasn’t much, but still, he knew him – he was probably hurting from the consequences of his choices. Of course, he would have spared those lives if he had known. If only he could. But he was just a man, and he couldn’t.

They entered Wall Rose, but it was not a cheerful crowd standing there, to praise them for their courage and sacrifices, no. He felt their hate, their scorn – _could you do better than him?_ He believed no one else than Erwin could be the Commander of the Survey Corps. Still, he couldn’t stand proudly when so many of his comrades had fallen.

 

They reached the headquarters and he dismounted, taking care of his horse, before he went to Erwin’s study. He hesitated in front of the door and was startled when Mike spoke.

“You should wait a bit. Levi is in there.”

Jean looked up to the stern soldier. _Levi, of course_. Levi had lost his whole squad – what were their names yet? He didn’t know. It pained him. They died and he didn’t even know their names. His hand went and clenched on the bone in his breast pocket. His lips trembled and he bit back a sob. Mike’s big hand ruffled his hair.

“It’s okay to cry. We all do at some point.”

The door opened and Levi stormed out, tears rolling down his cheeks. Jean stepped aside and did his best to salute with his trembling hands. Mike pushed him forward.

“Go now”, he hushed as he ran after Levi.

Jean stepped in on buckling knees, ready to collapse. The 13th Commander of the Survey Corps was sitting at his desk, head in hands, his shoulders shaking slightly. Jean regained a bit of confidence and stepped closer, before pulling him into his embrace. He realized Erwin was crying silently, putting aside his dignity to mourn his soldiers. He couldn’t do that publicly, so he did it there, in his office. Did he feel safe here? Jean didn’t know. He hugged him closer, blond hair shining against Jean’s stained uniform like a reminder that they were still alive. None of them spoke. Were there things to say? “I’m sorry”? “You fucked up”? “That’s sad but I’m glad none of us died”?

 

The young soldier felt his defences crumble and started crying as well, bending over Erwin’s head, sobs shaking his whole body, Erwin’s grip tight on him. Slowly, Erwin’s breath calmed down and he rose, ushering Jean closer to him, sitting him on his lap and rocking him as if he were a child having had a nightmare. But Jean wasn’t a child and he just came out of Hell itself, and no soothing words nor gestures could appease his fears. He had seen true horror – and just figured out his entire life would be like this until his death, in between the teeth of a Titan. Probably at a young age. Yes, he would die young, he knew it. There was no other way.

The blond officer tilted his lover’s head and wiped the tears on his face before silently kissing his lips. He needed it. He needed him. They needed each other, just like they craved for the sun.

“I need you”, Jean finally muttered, kissing his lips and his cheeks repeatedly, “I need you, Erwin. Please don’t leave me.”

_I will, someday_ , the Commander thought.

“Never”, the man replied as he swallowed his tears, taking his grief upon him.

His heart clenched, he didn’t want to think about the fact that one day would come where they would part – either voluntarily, or because death made it so – and he knew he wouldn’t be able to go on, to continue, if Jean wasn’t there, by his side. His hands reached behind the soldier, unbuckling his belt and his blood-reeking gear. Slid under his cotton shirt and on his skin, feeling it, smooth and tender over the strong muscles.

“I love you”, he mouthed against his chin, as he felt Jean’s heart thump under his fingers. “And I love your beating heart”, he added.  
_Because when I hear it, I know you’re alive and I know you’re by my side, and that’s all I need to keep going_. One by one, Jean’s clothes fell on the floor. He was glorious in his nakedness, grime still clinging to him, the smell of blood and dirt on his skin and in his hair, his amber eyes shining more brightly than before. He slowly shook his head and put his clothes back on, holding his gear in his hand and reaching out for Erwin with the other. The Commander took it and let him lead them to his quarters, to the bathroom where he ran a bath, taking off his clothes and pushing them in a corner. Erwin took him once in the bath, rough, savage and rabid, trying to exorcise his grief in the painful pleasure he gave him. Jean cried throughout the whole act, ravelling in it, his nerves torn apart.

They stumbled to the bed where Jean took the lead, straddling his hips and riding him with loud wails of mixed feelings, demanding and violent, like he had never been since   
that first night.

 

They were laying on the bed, panting, struggling for their breath, when Jean took Erwin’s hand and squeezed it gently. They stared at each other, unable to feel anything other than their wrecked bodies. They had pushed their consciousness somewhere far away where it couldn’t reach them. In the small space between them, the Hell outside didn’t exist. Death was powerless. Love was almighty. The young soldier gently kissed his lover’s knuckles, before getting closer and resting his cheek against the Commander’s broad chest. He could hear his heart and its rhythmic sound, reassuring and comforting. He wanted Erwin to tell him they had nothing to fear. He wanted him to lie, to lie and tell him everything was alright. Because Erwin’s lies felt safer than the truth.

 

_One day, I’ll have to let you go_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it (I think I broke my heart actually), this will go on... but I don't know when !


	8. A Goodbye I Wanted To Postpone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All this time, and still it wasn't enough...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I. I know it's been more than a year and I really apologize for that. Still, I thought it was time to conclude this story, so here we are. It is not as long or developped as I wanted it to be at first. But it is an ending, so that maybe, Jean can start another story...

Jean stared at his hands, twirling the green bolo tie between his fingers. His hands were trembling. They didn’t stop. They hadn’t stopped for a while now, instead sending their shivering down the chain. It still felt like everything that had happened these last few days… wasn’t real. Everything had started to slip between his fingers the day he lost Marco to… He gritted his teeth. The day he lost Marco to Reiner, Bertholdt and Annie. He had thought he could get up again and make something with the Major, as foolish of a hope as it was. But now, that was lost too.

_We took back Wall Maria, and yet it feels like I have lost more than that._

It had started when they learnt Annie was the Female Titan, and everything… everything got down to Hell so fast after that. That panic he’d felt when the Titan snatched Erwin from his horse. His leader. His lover. So close to his everything it now felt like a giant hole in his chest. And then… then Erwin was saved. Armless, yes. Broken, somehow. Weak. But alive – alive enough to kiss him back and whisper “I love you”s in the dead of the night, when everyone else was sleeping. Alive enough to snuggle up to him. Alive enough that his hand on him felt like heaven. Alive, when Jean felt like he had aged a good ten years in the span of a few days.

_I thought I could do it, then._  
He tightened his fist on the bolo tie.  
 _But obviously, I cannot._

They hadn’t seen each other after that. Jean was in hiding with Levi and his new squad, and Erwin had been… The thought alone was too much to bear. Erwin had been accused of treason, and almost executed. The days they had after that – once Historia was made queen – seemed to be some dream, a figment of his imagination. The time they had together, the sweet love Erwin made to him, something that had been oh so rare before… And just like that, the dream shattered, and his heart with it.

_I couldn’t even say goodbye_ , he thought as his lips shivered, tears rolling down his cheeks.

Because they didn’t know, and he couldn’t let them know, and he was… he was frozen with fear and guilt, desperate. He barely remembered pressing a kiss to Erwin’s cold lips before they left him to lay there forever. The man laying there… was not the one he had loved. He couldn’t accept it. He screamed, threatened, bargained. Never came down to acceptance, even in the warm, reluctant embrace of Levi. There was no comfort to be found in the barren, desert land of his heart. Only piercing ice and a howling wind that never ceased.

_And we both knew what we were getting into, and I know your dedicated your heart, and I know you weren’t mine from the beginning._

It still felt like the grieving would never stop, but maybe he could stand. Maybe he could fight for the ideal of the man who once was his heart embodied.

“You can’t stay here and grieve him forever, Jean”, Levi said from Erwin’s door – no, Hanji’s. It was Hanji’s, now, the Major’s bedroom. “You have to let him go.”  
“We lost so much”, Jean sobbed. “I can’t find it in me to fight anymore.”  
“Then don’t.”

He whipped his head up.

“You don’t have to fight, Jean. You have to live. That’s what he wanted for you, and that is your duty. As a human. As a soldier. You will fight once you are strong enough to stand on your own two legs.”  
“And if I don’t?”  
“He will personally welcome you in Hell.”

_Not yet_ , Jean thought. _Not yet. I have to tell him… to tell him he didn’t die in vain. To tell him… Humanity won. I have to be there to see it._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it and I'm once more sorry for the very delayed end.


End file.
